Glasgow Diaries Part (10) X: Mistakes, Lockdown and the Hardest Goodbye

 January 2020 cont.: Mahdee said what he needed to. He broke up with me. My eyes were filled with tears as I gathered his things that were in my room and gave them to him and he left. Everything just felt like a blur. It didn't hit me until he left, I looked out the window of my apartment and Glasgow suddenly looked so foreign to me. After two hours of just laying on my bed crying, I did something that I still regret to this day. I texted Mahdee saying that I couldn't bear to live in Glasgow without him. Still to this day, I am so angry at this version of myself, I was so weak at that time and Mahdee was my weakness. He texted me back saying that he couldn't bear seeing me in the distraught state that he left me in and that we would work through this and just like that we were back together. I can't help but to think what would have happened if I never texted Mahdee that night. I highly doubt that he would have texted me saying that he wanted to get back together and that he made a mistake. 

A day later Mahdee came back to my apartment and said that he was sorry and that he wanted to be together for as long as we could. But ever since that night when he broke up with me, things just weren't the same after that. Although, we were together again, I still had that scar on my heart, caused by him. It wasn't going to be easy to heal that.  

March 2020: By March, Mahdee and I tried going back to our old ways, he did his usual thing where after an argument he tried his best to be a good boyfriend, but this time I just felt that he was just trying to show me that he didn't mean to breakup with me. Glasgow went into lockdown for COVID-19 and Mahdee starting working from home. Going into lockdown also meant that I could fully focus on completing my master's dissertation as well. March wasn't all that bad because Mahdee made the effort to work  from home from my apartment for a week. It was surprising because this was something that he actually thought of himself and it wasn't something that I really had to convince him to do. Getting to spend that week with Mahdee was probably the highlight of my lockdown. 

May 2020: On May 5th, 2020 I officially completed and submitted my master's dissertation. It was my biggest academic achievement. I was incredibly proud of myself. By this time my university had also announced that graduations were cancelled due to COVID-19, which was understandable but also a bit sad. My friends and parents were proud of my achievement but I never really had a proper celebration and Mahdee didn't think to plan anything special, he sadly wasn't that type of boyfriend, even though I really wish he was. Around this time I had to make the decision if I wanted to move back home to America in July or August 2020. My student visa was going to expire in September 2020 and my parents wanted me to move back home to America in July. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Mahdee so I was leaning more towards moving back in August. I remember speaking to Mahdee about it but when he didn't bother asking me to even stay until August I just booked my flight back home for July 30th, 2020. 

June 2020: I dedicated this month to spending time with my friends in Glasgow. I had met so many wonderful friends during my time living in Scotland and I honestly learned something from each and everyone of them. The lockdown made it a bit more difficult to spend time with other people but I made an active effort to safely do so. 

July 2020: I started packing up my Glasgow life into my suitcases, my room looking emptier and emptier every week as my last day in Glasgow slowly started approaching. Mahdee and I went on one last day trip together and had our last meal out together. It was bittersweet. We knew the end was coming and none of us wanted to mention it. 

July 30th, 2020: Moving day was here, I was all packed up and said my goodbyes to my friend and roommate, Sasha and Mahdee drove me to the airport. The car ride was completely silent, as I reminisced in my head about the best memories of my life, I was fortunate enough to make in Glasgow. We arrived at the airport and it was too early to check in my bags so Mahdee and I found an excluded area in the airport. Here it was, our last moments together, we didn't really know what to say to each other although there was so much I wanted to say, I couldn't because Mahdee hadn't taken the day off of work, so like always, even on the last day we had together, we were on a time crunch. We didn't cry, and there was mostly silence. We tightly hugged and I slowly touched his face, trying to take it all in, one last time. I watched him leave all the way until he faded into the distance, not once did he turn to look back at me. Tears were streaming down my face as I tried my best to keep myself together. This was the hardest goodbye of my life. 

This marks the end of Glasgow Diaries