Glasgow Diaries Part (9) IX: Heartbreak

November 2019: By the time November 2019 came, I could feel Mahdee getting more and more distant. Despite me telling him that my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving was coming up, he chose not to spend it with me. This one might not seem like a huge deal, but to me at the time, it was really disheartening because he simply did not care. Some things shouldn't have to be said, they should just be understood, especially when you’ve been in a relationship for a while. He picked up soccer as another activity to do during the week without me, which meant it would be impossible for me to even ask him to sometimes spend another day with me when I really really wanted him to. He started leaving early to go home, even on the two days that we had agreed to spend together. He would also show up late on the two days that we had agreed to spend time together. He barley did anything to make me feel special. I always had to initiate that fact that we should go on a date or go to a new place. He barely was affectionate towards me and stopped looking at me the same way he used to, when we first starting dating. No one should have to go through what I was going through at this time, I shouldn't have had to ask my partner to spend time with me, he should have wanted to spend just as much time with me as well, but he didn't.

When you love someone, you open yourself up to getting hurt by them. I would sometimes ask and cry for Mahdee to stay just an extra hour with me but he would never stay. Not sure what was more sad, me having to ask him to stay another hour or him not willing to stay. It was extremely upsetting, I would cry myself to sleep every night when he would leave, wondering why he was doing this. I know, sounds pathetic right?  Mahdee had changed. I didn't understand it, was I doing something wrong? I was giving him space, I was making sure I wasn't the nagging girlfriend that was sad all the time, even though I was actually really sad about his changing ways. I however, continued to be the same BeeCee that I was from the very beginning of our relationship. Even though I was in a relationship with him, I felt so alone.  

In December 2019, I had officially passed all of my classes for my masters degree and attended my last masters class which meant that my masters dissertation was the only task that was left to be completed. My masters degree was coming to an end and although it was a happy moment for me I was quite sad inside because my relationship felt like it was falling apart. 

January 2020: Things weren't getting better with Mahdee and I didn't really express my feelings with anyone. After all, who would I go to? Mahdee was the person I spoke to about my feelings but this time, he was the one who was causing the sadness inside of me. At this point, I thought to myself that I shouldn't have to tell Mahdee that I'm upset because if he really loved me, he would know that I wasn't happy. Mahdee knew he was becoming distant. However, I ignored my feelings, and like always, put his feelings first. Mahdee’s birthday was coming up in February and knowing that this was his last birthday that I would be able to celebrate with him, I wanted to make it extra special. With the help of Sasha, I planned a surprise birthday party and dinner for him. 

It had to be done in mid January because of everyone's schedules. After booking the hall and arranging the special food menu with the hall owner, a few days later the plans fell through. I was devastated. I remember being so upset that after all of the hard work, the surprise birthday party wasn't going to happen. All I wanted was Mahdee to have a great surprise birthday party, I wanted him to be celebrated because despite what him and I were going through personally, I knew how great of a person he was and he deserved to be celebrated. On the day of the planned party, Sasha and I decided to set up a little surprise for Mahdee in our apartment instead, and we were able to surprise and celebrate his early birthday in that way. 

A few days went by after the birthday party and Mahdee and I got into a little argument over text, we usually were able to resolve issues like these after a few minutes but this was different. He suggested that we meet the next day to talk and I said that was fine. I didn't sleep at all that night and just had an uneasy feeling throughout the whole night. 

It was around five o'clock and Mahdee arrived to my apartment straight after work. He stated that after thinking about it, he came to the conclusion that it would be best for us to breakup since it would be easier for the both of us, especially when it came time for me to move back to America. To this day this is so difficult for me to write about. I remember when he said those words, I just went numb. I didn't say anything. I just wished it wasn't happening, I wished it wasn't real. I had literally given my soul to this person and here he was saying that he wanted to give up, he wanted to breakup. 

I always read that if someone loved you, they would do everything in their power to be with you. So did he not love me? Did he not love me the way I loved him? All of those red flags, those signs were so apparent now, they were crystal clear now. I was so oblivious, if only I had paid attention to those signs in the beginning maybe this wouldn't be happening. But despite everything, we had made a promise to each other that we'd be together until the end. Mahdee was breaking that promise like it meant nothing. I couldn't believe that the person I trusted with my entire soul was giving up and breaking up with me. I did not deserve this. 

Next Glasgow Diaries Part X: Mistakes, Lockdown and the Hardest Goodbye